The “World Famous” Woodstock Mystery Hole™
“Just two miles west off I-205!”SM
Evidence of a vanished civilization has long been
suspected to exist under the thick layer of earth laid down at the close of
the last ice age.
Known as the Bretz floods, numerous colossal tidal-waves of melted glaciers
swept over Eastern Washington and down the Columbia River Gorge, ponding over
the Portland area, and depositing silt, before flowing out to sea.
Sand, gravel, and finally, clay covered all that had been created before
10,000 years ago, leaving no physical trace of existence for future
generations of inhabitants.
Psychic archeology, however, can sometimes probe to depths of hundreds of
feet. Although not fully understood nor accepted by authorities, no one can
argue with results. The Mystery Hole™ stands in mute yet undeniable
testimony to the validity of following the mind’s eye with pick and
shovel.
No one would have suspected from looking at an ordinary wild blackberry patch
in a suburban backyard, that Oregon’s most incredible archeological site
lay waiting beneath. No one, that is, except those using their natural
psychic abilities to “see” a Giant Double Arch™, a stupendous Gaping
Tunnel™, and cryptic rock inscriptions appearing to be lazer-blasted in a
strange stone-like material indistinguishable from our modern day
concrete.
What good is the Hole?
Moonbeam anticipates climb down new ladder
No one can say with authority that breathing the peculiar,
cool air which wafts up from the Mystery Hole can cure any and every
illness you might have. Nor that you will suddenly have more money
than you know what to do with. Nor that you will find true love in
less than a month.
However, there are those who feel that they have been
helped in health, romance, and/or money by breathing the Enchanting Vapors of
Encouragement™.
How was it dug?
Without being certain of who dug the Woodstock Mystery
Hole, it is virtually impossible to determine how it was created. The absence
of pick and shovel marks points to crude methods by a primitive people.
However, this is given by some researchers as evidence of extraterrestrial
activity. Indeed, marks not unlike laser-blasting are clearly visible on the
walls of this gaping cavern, adding fuel to the fires of debate. Most experts
and theorists do agree on one thing%mdash;it was not created by natural
forces.
How deep is it?
The Mystery Hole goes all the way to the bottom. The depth of
the Woodstock Mystery Hole has never been accurately determined by modern
scientific methods, and estimates vary greatly, but the over-all consensus is
that it is very deep.
Why was it dug?
Perhaps the most puzzling mystery of all is the original
purpose of the Hole. Theories have been hotly debated since the discovery of
this enigmatic wonder by modern Man. Was it used as shelter? Was it a
ceremonial kiva? Was it an outpost for beings from another planet? Did
someone just dig a hole?
Well, it seems that more questions than answers have been unearthed by the
discovery of the Woodstock Mystery Hole.
What do the authorities say?
The scientific establishment remains remarkably silent in
the Woodstock Mystery Hole controversy. Perhaps, as some insiders speculate,
they still haven’t figured it out themselves. Until they do, the whole
family can join in on the fun of theorizing and postulating.
Is it safe?
Safety and protection are major concerns at the Mystery
Hole. Since it’s not safe, protection is needed. For this purpose,
liability waivers are available for signatures before descending into the
depths.
LIABILITY WAIVER
I, the undersigned, do hereby certify that I must be out of
my mind to climb down into a damp, dark hole when I’m perfectly safe
where I am.
Signed
_____________________________
Dated _____________________________
ATTRACTIONS AT THE MYSTERY HOLE
Giant Double Arch™
Moonbeam illuminates mysterious carvings in Arch
Perfectly aligned with the North Star, a stupendous arch
stands guard at the entrance to the phenomenal gaping tunnel at the bottom of
the sensational Woodstock Mystery Hole. The ratio of the height to width is
precisely 1.618—the same ratio found in natural spirals from sunflower
heads, to snails’ shells, to spiral galaxies. This “Golden Mean” of
geometry was not determined until the 13th century! How could a primitive
people have known the solution to a problem that took mathematicians
centuries to unravel? Perhaps the architects were not so primitive after
all.
No tool marks can be detected on the arch, lending credence to the theory
that they were carved by a superior culture with sophisticated technology,
which our civilization is only now developing. However, this “gods from the
sky” theory fails to answer two big questions: “Why would an advanced
civilization place a message-stone deep in the earth, and when will they
return?”
Mysterious “carvings” on Giant Double Arch have endured the untold eons,
but their meanings have been lost in the sands of time. Attempts to decode
the ancient symbols have only added to the confusion. Is that really a flying
craft with a pilot at the controls? Do those formula hint at a cure for
cancer? Could the star pattern on the vault be a clue to the origin of
mysterious visitors from space?
How Old is the Arch?
The novice archeologist might date the arch at less than 5,000 years, simply
going by the thick over-layer of sediment from ancient floods. But,
extraterrestrials who have mastered the art of laser blasting could put an
arch anyplace they feel like.
The Door That’s Never Been Opened™
(Artist’s conception based on actual unretouched photographs)
Perhaps the most incredible discovery of all: a massive,
rough-hewn, but intricately carved, entrance to...? Could it be a
subterranean city complex?
At the far end of a side tunnel in the very depths of the Mystery Hole™
sits a portal created in a scale unmatched even by the Giant Double Arch™.
The vast, as yet immovable door speaks of a people whose height is almost
unimaginable to us.
The subterranean complex hasn’t been found yet, but most researchers doubt
that an entrance would have been created without something to enter. Only
further excavations will unravel the Hole “truth”.
“Black Obsidian” Mirror of a Higher Truth™
A colossal windstorm of monumental proportions toppled the Mirror in 2008,
shattering it into a million pieces—give or take a few hundred thousand
pieces.
A fragment still provides a glimpse into the infinite depths of darkness, and
those who dare to stare into it may find themselves face-to-face with a
darker side of their personas.
It is believed that each of us has a dark side that we reveal to no one, not even ourselves. Shocking personal revelations
await those with the courage to gaze deeply into an awe-inspiring, fragment
of the megalithic slab.
What will your reflection be in a piece of the entrancing “Black
Obsidian” Mirror of a Higher Truth™?
A pocket-sized relic of the shattered Mirror is available at a surprisingly low price
in our ever-popular Gift Shoppe.
“Silver” Two-way Window of Opportunity™
A tragedy—the shattering of the “Black Obsidian”Mirror—
can be turned into opportunity, which is what has replaced the Mirror.
In this case, the window of opportunity is “silver” and offers two ways of looking at it.
Mystery Tower™
In the years following the unsolved mystery of its sudden
horizontal realignment in 1988, the Mystery Tower has passed through many
phases. At times it was 66.6% erect -- at times only 33.3%. It stood at 100%
for a time, inspiring all who bore witness to its height. Replacement of the
giant “fluorite crystal,” shattered in the Realignment of ’88, will be
guided by cryptic inscriptions ensculptured on the Giant Double Arch™.
Tower in alignment with Moonbeam
What’s the Mystery Tower for?
It may very well be years before its true purpose is determined. In the
meantime, it serves as a holy beacon to Fun seekers, a rock gym, an axis
mundi, and more. Until the transceiving fluorite crystal is ready, a sailing
boat serves well as a substitute, rewarding climbers with mountain views and
dreams of far-off worlds.
It has been said that a force powerful enough to charge the entire planet
with positive energy could be generated from a tower such as the one depicted
on the Arch.
Suggested Photo Spot
Visitors are encouraged to take pictures of the Suggested
Photo Spot: designated by the Center for Land Use
Interpretation, and highlighted by an exciting, pointed electrical
display.
History Mole™ of the Mystery Hole
Affectionately called Molokai by some admirers,
the gargantuan History Mole embodies the spirit of obsessed diggers the world
around: advancing with shovel poised and a gleam in the eye. Being
photographed with Molokai is said to bring good fortune for diggers, and to
ward off caving, running ground,
and bad air.
Mystery Wishing Pipe™
All who have wishes are encouraged to drop a coin in the Wishing Pipe.
Visitors are astounded to learn that every wish is 100% unconditionally
guaranteed for life.
Mystery Pole™
Black as the Hole itself, visitors defy gravity by gripping the Mystery
Pole with gloved hands while descending from the Mystery Hedge Walk.
As seen on TV, Radio, and
Web
In addition to being listed in many guides of what to see and do in the
Pacific Northwest, the increasingly-popular void known as the Woodstock
Mystery Hole has received more than its share of in-depth media attention.
Anodyne, a Portland arts and culture magazine, dedicated more than two
literary pages, with Mr. E. Mann emerging from the Mystery Hole on their
cover for September 1997. Anodyne is no longer published.
(video) KATU
TV in Portland Oregon, as part of their “What’s Weird About
Portland” series, gave viewers a quick view of the Hole on November 9,
2007.
KGW TV’s locally-produced program, Good Evening, featured a tour of the
Hole with Mary Alice Rosko, giving viewers a rare glimpse of the Giant Double
Arch, Mystery Tower, and Stupefying Double-wide Stairway to Upthere. The
program has since gone off the air.
Lex Loeb’s UFO Museum
offers an online tour which may be quite dark on most monitors, enhancing
authenticity.
On The Mercury’s Blogtown, Sarah Mirk related her experience at a Meteor Shower hosted by the Mystery Hole in August 2010.
Monk magazine’s Portland issue, which finally hit the newsstands in late
1994, included a lengthy, somewhat fictionalized, exploration of the Hole.
Monk Magazine is no longer published.
Monk Travel
lists recommended places in Portland which they have visited and enjoyed.
Scroll on down to find the Hole.
The Nose, a now-defunct magazine out of San Francisco, published an article
attempting to explain some of the Hole mysteries in their July/August 1994
issue.
Oregon Curiosities: Quirky Characters, Roadside Oddities & Other Offbeat Stuff
by Harriet Baskas describes the Mystery Hole™ mysteriously. March 2007
Portland’s Oregonian newspaper included a large color photo of the entrance
to the Mystery Hole™ in August 1992.
The Portland
Tribune’s premier issue of Cue magazine prominently featured the Hole
on December 21, 2001. Cue magazine is no longer published.
Strange
Universe aired a sensationalized tour of the Mystery Hole at least three
times before strangely going off the air -- or have they?
(video) Waffle
Machine condensed a full tour into a 4 minute video.
Weird Mysteries site
circles back around to Lex Loeb’s UFO Museum, but on the way you’ll see
new photos.
(video) Weird America toured the
Hole in August 2003, and compiled a video.
Puzzling Evidence TV has released archived video of the Church of the SubGenius world tour’s March 14th 1998 visit to the Mystery Hole™. The last five minutes of the video below documents preparations for an old-fashioned, slack-filled SubGenius Devival in Portland, which prepared the faithful for X Day—mere months away.
For a month, Widmer Brothers
Brewing promoted the Mystery Hole in radio spots all over Portland for
their “Nothing filtered out” ad campaign. Radio provides the perfect
medium for visualizing void art works such as the Hole.
Wild
Life: Unusual Oregon by Mark Christensen includes a large photo of
Mr. E. Mann beside the Hole, and an enticingly accurate description of it.
(Sasquatch Books 1997).
Awareness of the Mystery Hole continues to spread by word of mouth from
person to person through the grassroots grapevine of the people.
Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900) wrote, before women were
acknowledged to exist in writing:
“No man but feels more of a man in the world if he have a
bit of ground that he can call his own. However small it is on the surface,
it is four thousand miles deep; and that is a very handsome
property.”
An excerpt from My Summer in a Garden.
Guided tours
Sorry, tours in person are no longer available.
Visit our Gift
Shoppe.
What is a Void Art installation?
Other mysterious holes, etc:
Mystery Hole in West Virginia
The Mystery of My
Hole by Josh “Livestock” Boruff
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